More than one third of marriages in the U.S. begin online, according to a 2013 study released by the National Academy of Sciences. And, interestingly, marriages that begin online are less likely to result in separation or divorce, and those that remained married are happier than their offline counterparts.
But while online dating may be a great way to find your soul mate, you’ll be confronted with thousands of candidates. And, like many other online offerings, the "product" received may not always be what was advertised. So improve your chance of success by keeping an eye out for the following red flags as you sort through potential date’s profiles:
Photos: Photos can tell you a lot about a potential date. No photo, or a grainy, out-of-focus or outdated photo, are a sign that the person probably has something to hide, or else is not really serious about the dating process. But Vondie Lozano, licensed marriage and family therapist, has some other not-so-obvious flags to add to the list.
- If they have a ton of photos, it could mean they’re a little self-absorbed.
- Do they have a photo of themselves with another person cut out of it? That’s a huge red flag on so many levels.
- Is there someone or something else in all of their photos? It’s good to have outside interests. But if their dog, friends, boat or even their kids are in ALL their photos, it may tell you a little about where you’ll stand in the scheme of things.
Self-description: If the user name or headline is weird, overtly sexual or otherwise inappropriate — Bangyourdaddy, 69Reasons — you can stop there, says Trish McDermott, a founding team member of Match.com. Also avoid people that disclose too much, whether it’s a recent staph infection, bankruptcy or bad breakup. And McDermott recommends steering clear of people who don’t have kids but use undue space in their profile soliciting information about the age and sex of your children.
Christan Marashio, founder of AndThatsWhyYoureSingle.com, adds that “it's normal for people to have some trouble crafting a profile and to use self-deprecating humor to lighten the mood. Too much humor is usually a sign that the person is insecure and uncomfortable with being vulnerable, which could lead to problems with emotional intimacy down the road. The humor is used to distract.”
Marital status: “separated”: This one isn’t necessarily a deal breaker. But Dan Neuharth, licensed marriage and family therapist, says “you need to find out just how separated he is. He may be legitimately finished with his marriage emotionally, but the paperwork isn't final. But many separated people are nowhere near done. They may be on a trial separation, seeking variety, or way too fresh from a bad relationship to date seriously.” And if the person is still talking about their ex, that’s a red flag.
What he/she’s looking for: Requiring too much or too little are both red flags. You’ll never live up to the laundry list. If the person really doesn’t care, they’re probably looking for a “date,” not a relationship, or he or she may be looking to scam you.
Neuharth also notes that while it’s common for men to want to date women younger than themselves, if there's too much of an age gap, it's a sign he’s probably not looking for an equal partner in the relationship.
Updated on 2/11/2014
And my dating life before that was fine, sure I had challenges like everyone else but I had my share of successes too. So be patient, work on those things you can control and good things will eventually come your way.
From Mikw on February 09, 2012 :: 1:29 pm
If the person is single, what else would they put in their photos, but their dog, etc?
I take a LOT of photographs. I’ve sold numerous images. Does that make me self-absorbed?
What’s a “weird” user name?
Another one should be added:
When a woman says her children come first, over everything else. I can respect that choice and I do. However, to me, it means I am going to get stood up a lot; that when I am with someone they aren’t going to give me their undivided attention when we aren’t with her kids; and that a woman isn’t really interested in a relationship and is hiding behind her kids. When I’ve dated women with children, you can’t believe some of the things parents have called me. One had to be held back by other members of his family when he tried to assault me.
So, I don’t even read profiles that say, “...my children will always come first.” I think kids are really cool, but I don’t need to be in a relationship where I will always com second.
Reply
From Michelle36 on February 09, 2012 :: 2:04 pm
I agree with MIKW. Your mate has to come first. Kids grow up and move on with their own lives. I used to date a loser who “worshiped” his supposed ex. All I heard was “Queenie” this, and “Queenie” that. It drove me right out of the relationship. I resented the fact that I was second to none. Thank God I dumped the POS and now I’m dating a decent guy!
Reply
From Eloriel on February 14, 2012 :: 12:16 pm
From a mother’s perspective, let me give you a reason why I would put my child over a man. This is by far not the only one, but it is the easiest to explain.
For one, my child has been in my life for, let’s say, two years. During those two years I was a single mother, or even an estranged mother. I’ve met you, and we go out on a couple of dates.
See, there is always the possibility of you dropping me for some reason or another, but that child? I carried them in my womb, and they need someone to raise them right. Not a woman who will go “Oh honey, mommy is so sorry your sick, but I’m still going to take you to your grandmother’s because “so-and-so” will be upset with me for ‘standing him/her up’.”
If you’re so arrogant as to think that you should be more important than any child, then you really have no business dating a mother.
Find a woman who is sterile, done with her childbearing, or doesn’t want kids. Don’t put mothers down because you are that much of a narcissist.
Reply
From Michelle36 on February 14, 2012 :: 2:39 pm
Whoa! Take it easy here, you need to grow up and quit with the immature insults. I’m not saying a mother should put her child 2nd to any guy. What I’m saying is when there is a committed healthy (non abusive) relationship, your mate is important too. Like I said before, kids grow up and live their own lives. Your mate is the one who will grow old with you (hopefully) and spend the rest of his life with you. So chill out, other people have a right to their views too.
Reply
From Eloriel on February 14, 2012 :: 2:50 pm
It was not directed at you, nor anywhere in there was there an “Immature insult”. That’s exactly what MIKW was complaining about…coming second to someone’s child, which is a very narcissistic trait.
From Jennifer Bauman on August 03, 2012 :: 1:33 pm
I agree with you 100%. If I had kids, I would NEVER put a man before my children!
Reply
From MT on February 12, 2019 :: 11:18 am
It is not about a woman putting a man before her children. It is about putting the relationship, which hopefully will grow into a marriage before the children, or at least giving it equal status. There is a difference between neglecting one’s children and making the primary relationship in a home between a mother and her children instead being between her and her mate. A couple that is unwilling to get a sitter for a few hours, so that they can be couple is a couple headed toward adultery and/or divorce court. It is an uncontested fact that children thrive better in marriage-focused marriages than in child-focused marriages. A strong marriage makes for a strong family that produces children with healthy emotional attachment.
Ladies, a lot of divorced men who are in the dating pool are the product of marriages where the woman shifted the primary relationship in the home to her children after they were born. These men respect that children are important, but they “next” any women who writes “my children come first” in her profile because they have already experienced what is feels like to be a secondary relationship. That is why they are divorced most of the time (most divorced men sure as heck are not going to endure that situation with another man’s children). Sure, the divorce may be the result of an act of adultery committed by the husband, but that was more often than not just a case of a man attempting to obtain the connection has was not getting at home. Not all men are philanders by nature.
From rachybaby on April 27, 2014 :: 10:05 pm
You’ve misunderstood what MIKW was trying to say. What he was referring to was when someone goes OUT OF THEIR WAY to put that phrase, ‘my kids come first’, in a profile or write it during a conversation (how does that even come up in conversation???) there are HUGE issues there and the person reading it should run for dear life. HUGE red flag.
So there was no need for you to “counter” with “why I would put my child over a man” because he wasn’t arguing that point - you veered off into a completely different direction with your rant. You’re definitely projecting…which kinda proves MIKW’s point…
Of course it goes without saying that kids come first. I/we would hope so. So again, there’s no need to say it…unless…
Matter of fact, the only time it wouldn’t be a red flag is if it was said by some misguided man who thought women would be super duper impressed he wrote it so he could show everyone just how much he loves his kids—which is, again something we hope would be the case, lol. Actually, a man trying to impress women with something that should come naturally is a whole ‘nother kinda red flag…
Reply
From rachybaby on April 28, 2014 :: 8:21 am
You’ve misunderstood what MIKW was trying to say. What he was referring to was when someone goes OUT OF THEIR WAY to put that phrase, ‘my kids come first’, in a profile or write it during a conversation (how does that even come up in conversation???) there are HUGE issues there and the person reading it should run for dear life. HUGE red flag.
So there was no need for you to “counter” with “why I would put my child over a man” because he wasn’t arguing that point - you veered off into a completely different direction with your rant. You’re definitely projecting…which kinda proves MIKW’s point…
Of course it goes without saying that kids come first. I/we would hope so. So again, there’s no need to say it…unless…
Matter of fact, the only time it wouldn’t be a red flag is if it was said by some misguided man who thought women would be super duper impressed because it showed ‘just how much’ he loves his kids…This, again, is something we hope would be the case, lol. Actually, a man trying to impress women with something that should come naturally is a whole ‘nother kinda red flag…
Reply
From Annie on September 12, 2018 :: 6:29 pm
I’m finding all these comments very interesting because the Bible says you should put God first then your spouse then your children.
Now that’s in idealistic situation because if you don’t have a spouse obviously somebody your dating is not going to come before your children however if you always put your children’s needs first before your significant other assuming they have grown into that role I think that is an insult.
From Teri on April 14, 2016 :: 3:22 am
Well put. Kids first.
Reply
From JP on August 08, 2016 :: 11:39 am
I’d say its the other way around, actually. If you expect someone to give you all the benefits of a relationship but expect them to tolerate being down on your list of priorities, you have no business dating, full stop. And I have never heard anyone give themselves such pious, sanctimonious airs about motherhood who is anywhere near the precious, loving little saint of a mommy they’re so desperately trying to convince people they are. Genuinely good, selfless mothers don’t talk the way you do. Only narcissists who use their kids as a get out of jail free card for why others should put up with their lack of effort, and to promote their image of themselves as all-giving angels do that.
Reply
From SingleLady on September 29, 2016 :: 12:26 pm
I agree with much of what you say. In this day and age, one can’t be too careful. There are predators who do specifically target unwed mothers for especial attention because they’re looking to find someone who is emotionally vulnerable so that she’s so pre-occupied that they have easy access to kids to do what they really want to do to kids. Mothers NEED to be alert re: the man who may be a secret pedophile. Their children’s safety depends upon it! Absolutely. Single moms do not need extra drama in their lives and if the man is bringing the drama and forcing her to decide “it’s either me or the kids” then she is right to deep six that guy! My advice is that single moms should not date until their children are grown, but I realize not every feels they can do that. So in that case, one still needs to be very, very carefully and vet that guy BEFORE he even gets to meet the kids! If the guy is reluctant or seems “too eager” to meet the kids (like on the first date), that should be a red flag.
Reply
From Jim Johnson on May 16, 2017 :: 5:51 pm
If you are divorced I can tell you why and if you can’t find any man I can tell you why.
His parents were evil as well? Does this mean that your children’s’ spouses will be evil if they prefer their children over you?
Reply
From Richard Sieben on May 12, 2018 :: 1:31 pm
Children can be deal breakers too. If you cannot get rapport with the child; if the woman has sole custody with the child and does not allow access to his father… I’m out of here!
Reply
From jim on June 30, 2019 :: 1:22 pm
why should a guy play second fiddle to your kids? you want to put the second or third, that is your choice. However, this is why any sane man of means would never date a single mother.
Reply
From Ron Davidson on February 22, 2012 :: 3:00 pm
If you enter into a relationship with a woman with Children…young or older children dosent matter…they will ALWAYS come first! The worse is *Teenage Girls*...unless of course you love spending every weekend at THE MALL!
Reply
From SingleLady on September 29, 2016 :: 12:12 pm
Every woman who is a single parent should be grateful you won’t date them. The LAST thing they need is another “child” especially one who is a legal chronological ‘adult’ who apparently is threatened by or jealous of chronologically aged children. Single moms have enough on their plate without having to appease some selfish jerk like you!
Reply
From TERI on January 06, 2017 :: 1:27 am
Well put.
Reply
From Franklin-Deschamps Joanie on February 11, 2018 :: 4:25 pm
I was a single Mom at different times with both of my children. However, if you went by Scripture in the Bible, Jesus wants God to cime first, then, your Husband/mate, then, tour Children. I think, however, when we are “single mom’s we not only have to be causious for our own safety, but for out children as well. When entering the dating feild after divorce with children, the children should not be exposed to nee dates. This is even taught in Mandetory Parenting Classes for Divorce with children. In Co-parenting, a woman should discuss introducing their “joint children” to a new person, with the other parent. Thst should go both ways. Also, it should only take olace after dating that person for a period of time and thst it is getting serious. During the dating, children’s care SHOULD.always come first in emrgencies etc. But, if you mnow your children are safe, you should give full attention to the date. DO cancel dates uf child is sick or don’t make plans when an umportant event in chikd life is at that time. Once the date does meet the children and do not like them around, they AREN’t the one for U! That is true also, if the date speaks poorly of children or like they are a nusence to them, they are NOT for U. Never out a date/lover eho doesn’t want tour child in the “picture” before your children.
Reply
From O on February 10, 2019 :: 12:18 am
I agree with youbto the fullest. I too am a mother of 3 and no lie i always say my kids come first but i know how to balance attention for my kids and my man. I had an ex who was like this. It is sooo freakin annoying. Like you want a relationship with me but I’m always being put second and being left out and My kids. I couldn’t deal anymore i quit that relationship.
Reply